[Scroll down for the new and improved mustard.]

YOU!?

What are YOU doing here!?
Oh right, right...I invited you.

'Spose you stayed home 'cause you had the colic, or your bunions were acting up. Possibly you didn't want to miss today's episode of As the World Turns. [Is that soap even on television any more, or am I older than Aerosmith? [Wait, don't answer that.] Here you can find out what you may have missed while you were cutting class, and it probably involved making jokes about you. Also some ancillary applications.

The [New and Improved] Mustard Shot

These are my mustards.
There are many like them but these are mine.
My mustard is my best friend. It is my life.
I must master my mustard as I mast muster my life.
Without me, my mustard is useless.
Without my mustard, I am useless.
I must fire my mustard true.
I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to ketchup me.
I must shoot him before he shoots me.
I will,
for these are my mustards.